Saturday, August 8, 2009


Trust, such a hard thing. Trust that involves leaving your child in the hands of a stranger, even a harder thing. I have had a hard week, one that has really made me stop and think. Think more than I want to and probably more than I should. Add to all of this thinking was how I felt and man it was a disaster for a day or so. Why do we find it so hard to trust God in times like these? Let me give you a run down of the week and then what I have learned. Started the week sick. It is never good when mommy is sick. I have bronchitis, or should I say bronchitis has me. My doctor gave me some antibiotics and cough stuff and if I am not better by next Wednesday my surgery would need to be rescheduled. Oh, my surgery. I need a hysterectomy and I am set to have surgery on 8/28. So dealing with the emotional stuff that goes with no longer being physically able to have kids, although I am fine with it, guess it is just a process. This emotion totally surprised me. Then I take my baby to kindergarten for the first day. He is placed in the class that I am not overly enthused with the teacher. Nothing to base that on, just doesn't seem to excite me. We are to find out on Friday the final placement. Sarah is in a totally defiant mood and climbing everything. She is standing in her booster seat and I tell her to sit now and she looks at me, crosses those arms across her chest, and in the most defiant voice says, "I get down!". Now I am ecstatic that she says a three word sentence with perfect speech, but that defiance and tone. ARRGH!!! She did sit down. Then Thursday after 2 days of antibiotics the vomiting starts. We are at therapy and by the time I could get Sarah, I felt some better. We went and got Elijah, from school, and everyone had a nap. A long nap, I was so glad everyone was tired. On Friday I find out that Elijah gets the teacher that I do not think I like. Man, how can God allow that to happen? Does he not care about my son? Why would he not protect him? I am all fired up to go pitch a fit. Elijah on the other hand is so proud that this is his teacher. I upset him being upset. What kind of mommy am I? Horrible at this point. I step back and apologize to Elijah and just come home. I cry while the kids take a nap. During the course of the next 10 or so hours I ride a roller coaster of emotions. Matthew 6:24 tells us not to worry about the future. Psalms and Proverbs have many verses that tells us that God will protect us. 1John 4 tells us how much God loves--so much He sent His Son to pay for our sins. Why can I not trust God to love and protect my son? Why/How do I think I can do this better than God? So many times when it comes to mothering, us mothers tend to want to do it our way and want things just so for our family. We want others to trust us, especially our children, but do we really, 100% trust God with ALL? Do we? Do we pray for protection and the best for our kids because we think God is in control, or because we want to control God and get things our way? Can we pray "Thy will be done" and say that our kids belong to God and we give them to God and take our hands off of them completely? Can we? Or do we fear that if we pray this that we might be inviting the unimaginable to happen. Maybe if we don't pray that then bad can not touch our kids. I know reading this it might sound crazy or like I don't really know God. I do know God, but I am a mother, a controlling, over-protective mother. A mother who loves her kids so much I would lay down my life for them. Hmm, does that sound like something someone has done for us? Yep, God loves us so much that He laid down His life for us. God does understand us controlling, over-protective mothering types. God loves us and our children more than we do. God is love. He is overseeing our lives and He is there to love and protective us. God is in control, His way just is not always our way. God's way was a perfect life in Eden, but we humans messed that up. God is consistent and fair. The human race is a fallen race full of sin and therefore illness and dangers lurk. This is not God's plan. God has the perfect plan, but he gives us a choice. I choose today to allow God to have complete control of my life and my family. Now this is not to say that I will not try to control, I am sure I will, but I am going to try harder to give that control to God, because I do trust God. God does understand our weaknesses--He made us. He forgives us over and over again. This does not mean that we should stop being informed and responsible, but that we trust God as we hold our children in our loving embrace, embraced by His love.
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